My Vein, My Blood – #23

Just Something I Wrote

 

I was at the local mall food court.  It’s not dated.

 

There’s an old man in a wheelchair sharing a strawberry sundae from Dairy Queen with another man, maybe his son.  The son holds the cup so it doesn’t slip as the man scoops up the ice cream with a red spoon.  He has two napkins tucked into his shirt collar.  There are dribbles of strawberry on the napkin.

In the circle just beyond the food court a group of children are lining up on risers getting ready to sing.  Christmas carols I bet.  They’re so cute with their white shirts and red bow ties.  There’s so much noise in the food court we probably won’t be able to hear them.  I remember those days when my kids were the ones giving the concerts.  You could never see over the crowd, parents and spectators jockeying for position.

I’m tired.  I’ve seen too many Santas and snowmen.  Angels and reindeer.  Teddy bears.  My God, so damn many Teddy bears.  The same tired carols played over and over on every store speaker.  Do you simply outgrow Christmas I wonder?  Does it lose its magic?  Or do years of commercialism just wear us down.  The wonder is gone.  The children are no longer wide-eyed and in awe.  They pick out their gifts themselves.  Mostly they’d prefer cash.  For what can you buy them that they don’t already have?

My Vein, My Blood – #22

5-30-04

I’m not done with my Phantom rough draft that my goal was to complete by June 1^st.  Easier said than done.  But I haven’t given up on it, either.  Maybe today I’ll go to B & N and get some NYC maps and CA maps.  I bet actually they have those free at AAA.  I should ask before I buy them.  I keep wondering where I put that other journal.  It seems to have disappeared.  I just reviewed my list of things I wanted.  Some of them may have changed.  But actually, even if it didn’t happen this year, doesn’t mean it won’t at some time in the future.  What do I want?  I want to be inspired.  Every morning I look at the blue sky above the green of the pines and I think, “God, you’re awesome.”  And at night I see the stars and think, “God, you’re awesome.”  How did God come up with this?  It’s mind boggling.  How can people who live in this world not get that?  There’s a being that’s so far above us he conceived us, this planet and everything in it and around it.  How can you not be inspired by that?  That kind of power.  How can you not be subservient to it?  To Him.  He is the master of everything.  He can squish us like bugs if he chooses to.  I think he does.  The proud shall be humbled.  So many examples of that.  God, I’m sorry.  The Catholic Church doesn’t inspire me as much as you do.  If you want me back there, send me, because I won’t go on my own.  I’m scared sometimes.  But I know the church isn’t the answer for me any more.  It did me a lot of good.  But I’m ready for whatever you have in store for me.  What’s next on the spiritual agenda?  I’m scared even asking that.  But I know there must be more.  If I’m ready in your eyes, bring it on. J

6-5-04

I think sometimes I forget how blessed I am.  I always had thoughts of how my life had been unmarred by real and serious tragedy.  Things happened around me, to other people I knew, but not to me. Then D’s accident happened.  As awful as it was, it didn’t happen to me.  Where was this thought going?  That I’m still pretty blessed. And I have a lot to be thankful for.  That book about happy people, the first thing was appreciate what you have.  Look around.  No matter how bad you’ve got it, someone else always has it worse.  R’s parents lost their daughter.  Remember that other teacher a few years ago who lost two of her children in a drunk driving car accident.  It can always be worse.  Always.  Be thankful for what you have. Thank God in ALL things. Thank you God for everything I have and everything I don’t have.  What else do I want?  A laptop computer. Preferably one I don’t have to pay for myself!

6-6-04

Wasn’t today just a super day?  Thank you, Jesus.  The pizza was delicious.  Reading, relaxing. D’s tutor showing up.  Things go well.  God you are so good to me.  And thanks for my easygoing husband who agreed to cheese pizza.

When I’m thin

I’ll tuck my shirts in

To my jeans

And by all means

My waist won’t hang over the top.

When I’m thin

It won’t be a sin

To eat a carton of ice cream

Or wear clothes about which I now dream

When I’m thin

I’ll be the envy of all

The women my age

They’ll want to take a page

Right out of my book

When I’m thin

My outside will match my in

There won’t be a roll

Of fat near my soul

Or anywhere else.

 

My Vein, My Blood – 21

Morning Pages 11-18-03

I got me a full cup of coffee and a seat on the deck so let’s see if we can figure out what’s bugging us.  DW’s family.  Dad without a dog.  Holidays.  T’s shower.  All the thing I do wrong.  Christmas is on a Thursday. 

Time for Glad Tidings and Cups full of Cheer? 

Startling even the Snowmen it’s that time of year.

How did it happen, where’d the days go?

Seems like we saw you just a year ago.

So shore up your strength, gather your mirth

It’s another Meyers get-together for what it’s worth.

On Saturday the 27^th we will all gather

At ………………………… unless you’d rather

Not come around 7, we’ll understand

Just RSVP before we strike up the band

If you bring food to eat or a drink to share

We’ll let you leave no worse for wear

Whatever you bring you’ll take home with you

Breathing a sigh of relief.

We hope leftovers will be few

This rhyme is in the toilet, I do the party

For my daughter who’s been abandoned

Her whole life by her extended family.

But I count her lucky because at least

Her family of origin hasn’t abandoned her.

So this pathetic attempt at a tradition

The holidays pretty much suck around here since no one gives a shit about us anyway.  God, we’re pathetic.  So much for the morning pages.  Gee.  I think I know what’s bugging me.  Should have called C last night.  What if it was a God whisper like they were talking about on Oprah?  What always happens when you don’t follow your instincts?  Bad things!

11-19-03

I guess I figured out what was bothering me.  I set up lunch w/C for which I’m really happy.  I still fear rejection.  Trying to break that cycle with D.  I must ask her how important a holiday party is to her.  Have to remember this might be her only tradition.  She’s not going to have a lot of family around either.  So invite and whoever shows up shows up.  And that’s the way it is.  I think I’ll get K one of those red Christmas mugs and a lb. of coffee.  Need to get DH something.  Definitely.  Don’t have much for Mom and Dad.  Pefume for S.  Kids?  Starbucks cards.  Need to make T’s gift.

Later that same day…I think everything is a message, a sign, an opportunity to learn and grow if you are only open to it.  Even something as simple as you don’t go to bed and you’re flipping channels and you come across something that’s really significant to you.  Maybe a tidbit, something small.  Something that reinforces what you’re discovering about yourself or some area you’re working on.  Like today was horrible, but can I still count my blessings.  I’m glad I have a phone.  I have technology, aggravating as it can be.  I’m glad my husband comes home at night.  My kids are doing okay.  Everyone survived another day.  I have S.  I’m looking forward to lunch/hanging out w/C on Friday.  I think I did the right thing.

11-20-03

We’re all terrorists.  What was Columbine?  Waco?  Oklahoma City?  We breed terrorists here in the U.S. born out of poverty and ignorance.  Drive-by shootings and gang wars.  Isn’t that terrorism?  If you fear for your life every time you walk out of your own house.  What about the incidents of individuals walking into their places of employment and opening fire?  That’s terrorism.  Yet we’re only really shocked and appalled when it’s foreigners on our soil or elsewhere who use bombs to blow up big buildings and kill lots of people.  What about all the little acts of terrorism.  The every day ones like child abuse we turn a blind eye to.  I think Bush’s opponents resent his self-assuredness.  It comes from God and his faith and belief that he’s fighting the good fight.  When’s the last time a righteous man inhabited the White House?  Someone who answered to a Higher Power instead of seeking his own glory?

5-28-04

I am feeling very sad today.  BJ is not supportive when I express my frustration with what D is going through and how they’re trying to find a way to prosecute her.  What good does anger do in the aftermath of the death of a child?  How does persecuting another child, the one you view as responsible, help your pain?  That’s what I don’t understand.  If D had died the same way would I be so vindictive?  I don’t know.  I think of R all the time. Her loss hurts in ways that are barely comprehendable.  I expect my friends to come to my defense, be on my side.  Not force me to look at things from their perspective.  I hate all of this.  I hate that D’s life got so hard so soon.  My princess.  She should have it easy always.  Did I raise her with enough grit to get through this?  That’s my fear.  That she’s too soft.  That she’ll crack.  Fall apart.  Never recover.  Life is not fun for her any more.  At 17, it should still be fun.  But life isn’t fun for R’s family either.  Our little bit of suffering is nothing compared to theirs.  I wonder if they’ll go to Maine this summer.  R’s death has surely created all kinds of chaos for them.

I just whacked some of my hair off in the back.  That probably didn’t help anything and it’s probably uneven.  Only 3 weeks since my last haircut.  But I didn’t like the way the back looked at the bottom. What else do I want?  If the travel thing works, what else was on that list?  Or what should I add?  I want to be in great physical shape.  Firm and fit.  I want B to be interested in me.  I want my appeal to broaden.  I’ve forgotten what it’s like to feel sexy.  Did I ever know?  What is sexy?  I want to finish Phantom.  Finish it.  Whatever that takes. Whatever it means. I want it to sell and be a big splash in the marketplace.  I want to be more spiritual.  I want D to soar.  I want R’s family to not hurt so much.

My Vein, My Blood – 20

11-8-06

I am a genius.  I am wonderful.  I am worthy.  I give thanks.  I am getting better each day.  My time is valuable.  I am blessed in ways I’m not even aware of.

Bestseller List NYT, USA Today

Barbara Meyers NOT QUITE HEAVEN

Barbara Meyers A MONTH FROM MIAMI

Barbara Meyers FINAL MISSION

Headlines – Barbara Meyers sells movie rights for unprecedented 7 figures.  Barbara Meyers lands top agent.  Barbara Meyers in New York City for major booksigning event with fellow bestselling authors.  Barbara Meyers buys home for brother.  Barbara Meyers buys new couch, redecorates living room.  Barbara Meyers stars in movie, is nominated for independent film award.  What is the secret?  Be what you want to be and draw that energy toward you.  God, show me.  Thank you.

11-9-06

Some brilliant person is going to create a fantastic web site for me.  That brilliant person might just be me, because, of course, I am brilliant.  What would I put on my web site?  Blurbs of my not yet pubbed books?  NO—don’t want to give anyone ideas.  Maybe some of the little stories I’ve written over the years.  My poems.  My brilliant insights into the world.  Or at least my amateur views.

I don’t know why the J issue bugs me so much.  I just resent like hell anyone getting preferential treatment unless, of course, it’s me.  And if you can’t do the job—then why are you there?  And why does management make concessions for you and not for everyone else?  It’s just bad management, imo.  But as long as it doesn’t affect me overly much, then why should I care?  I am going to move on and achieve my own success.  In the meantime, this job serves my purpose.  And it will make a lovely rags to riches story when I get where I’m headed.  I might need to pay someone to build and maintain my web site.  Only because of my time.  Would I spend that much time keeping it updated?  I’d like the control and “do it yourself.”  But how time-consuming will it be?  I need to brush the dog and put in her eyedrops.  What makes her think she’s allowed to sit on the couch?  It’s getting cold in here.  My feet are freezing.  I feel vaguely hungry but I don’t know what for.  Chocolate milk maybe.  I keep having this recurring (and very vague) story idea. Sort of a modern-day Jane Eyre plot.  Guy who has young twins—dead (or disappeared?) wife?  Hires nanny (ugly duckling type) who has a troubled past that’s about to catch up with here.  In what form troubled past takes shape I don’t know.  Somebody wants her dead?  But why?  She sees this guy’s gated estate as security.  Safety.  But what is she running from?  Or to?  Maybe she was attacked and severely injured and left for dead and she testified against her attacker and he went to prison.  But he swore he’d hunt her down and kill her when he got out.  And now he’s out.  She should have some scars—a limp or something.  Maybe he hurt her because she was helping someone else.  Her sister maybe?  Domestic violence?  And he killed the sister in a fit of rage and almost killed the heroine.  Maybe she’s disguised herself?  To make herself homely, but she’s fairly attractive.  I see her swimming at night and hero sees her—he had no idea what lurked beneath her baggy clothes.  I wonder if his wife could return.  Where’s she been?  Maybe the brother-in-law/b/f guy could conveniently kill her when she gets in his way?  And heroine can kill this guy after he threatens the twins and the dad?  There’d be all this underlying fear—she’d want to hide—he’d want to avoid being hurt or abandoned.  She thinks she’ll be safe with him, but he can’t keep her safe from her own desires.  Maybe she was high profile at one time—nanny to a celebrity’s child and that’s all the reference he needs—doesn’t know about attack or guy getting out of jail.  She resists going out, but he encourages/forces her to.  I see her on a bed crying—he’s been cruel—in comforting or apologizing, passion ignites.  Or interest, at least.  And he distances himself from kids because he’s not sure they’re his.  Oh, yes, I am a brilliant genius.  I could meet an agent in Starbucks.  I could meet an editor in Starbucks.  Maybe Mitch Albom’s editor.  Who’s looking for a brilliant new voice in another genre.  I see my future. Thank you God, for everything.

11-10-06

Things To Do

1. Get check
2. Get F RX eyedrops
3. Get F Heartworm med.
4. Call S.
5. Call S.
6. Shower door
7. E-mail C & M
8. Trim nails
9. Print pictures
10. Take pool water in

My Vein, My Blood – 19

11-7-06

I am a genius.  I am wonderful.  I am talented.  God created a beautiful thing when he created me.  He gave me so much talent, so many gifts, and I thank him for each and every one of them.  I have to change.  The best thing I have done recently is that when I start to play Minesweeper or I think I’m going to sit there and play it endlessly, I get up and go journal.  Even if it’s for a short time.  Do you really think there’s anything to “The Secret?”  I guess I’ll find out.  Maybe it’s just a way for the filmmakers to get rich.  But I don’t think it could be just that.  Not and have those successful people who think the same way endorse it.  All I know is what I’m doing, what I’ve been doing isn’t getting me where I want to be so I have to change what I’m doing.  I started to do a vision board a while ago.  Or the box I put stuff in and I stopped doing it.  Why?  Because I thought it was stupid or it wouldn’t work?  But visualization works!  I think that’s a proven theory.  So I should do it.  And I have this recurring thought of setting up a web site and I think I should do that.  Just set it up.  Reserve the domain name.  Gitter done!  These recurring thoughts are probably God’s way of telling me to do something and I ignore HIM.  So I have no one to blame for my lack of “success” except myself.  But don’t I have a lot of what I envisioned for myself?  A home.  A family.  Security.  Not having to work.  Those were old, maybe even sub-conscious dreams but they are reality now.  And I haven’t really had the dream of serious publishing success until fairly recently.  So I can’t say it’s less than what it is.  I may be feeding myself and the universe negative self-talk cancelling out my good intentions.  So I have to stop doing that.  It’s only 8:37 but it feels like it could be 10:30 or something.  I am a genius.  God gave me talent.  I have to let my light shine and be who I am.  I have to be more of what God created me to be.

Goal – bestselling author

Goal –  financial self-sufficiency

Goal –  ability to financially, physically, and emotionally take care of family members when needed

Goal –  better health and physical fitness

Goal –  better use of wit, tongue and intelligence

Thanks you Jesus, God.  Amen.

My Vein, My Blood – 18

9-26-06

Blizzard’s birthday.  I still miss that dog.  I wasn’t kind enough to him when I had him.  I am not a kind person.  I am jaded, bitter and disillusioned.  This whole thing with _____ should just be filed under “Life’s Not Fair” and I should move on.  We all know life’s not fair.  We just don’t want to be slapped in the face with it.  And with me the pay issue and the J preferential treatment was like a double whammy when I was already feeling low.  I hope T realizes that.  His wife probably told him he’s dealing with a middle-aged hormonal woman.  Let’s just move on.  It’s all like a puddle of water I’m trying to turn into an ocean.  Think of all B probably put up with over the years and sucked it up because there were bigger issues at stake than his own personal comfort and self-esteem.  No one can make you feel like a loser except yourself.  I yelled at Destiny before I got my garage door up and she didn’t take off.  For which I rewarded her with a petting and a cookie.  Maybe she’ll get the idea she can’t take off just because the door is up.  I hope so.  I think what’s really important is to remember that no one cares.  They care about their own lives.  They don’t care about yours.  I’m going to write now and screw reality.  It’s not all it’s cracked up to be anyway.

9-28-06

I am so down.  I thought I’d feel better today but I don’t.  Not sure why.  Everything and nothing probably.  My back hurts and my back rarely hurts.  Lack of exercise maybe.  I do know that every warm and fuzzy feeling I still had about _______ has evaporated due to the slap in the face about the pay raise.  Whose idea was this anyway?  It’s good to know I’m not the only one affected by it or upset about it.  But I really don’t want to spend any more time there than I have to.  I have to sell a book.  I have to earn money writing.  God help me.  I refuse to give up!!  ____ barely knows I’m alive.  He focuses on his job now.  He’s just not into me.  Not interested.  Doesn’t care.  Doesn’t get me.  Doesn’t want to know.

11-6-06

I am changing my behavior.  Instead of playing Minesweeper I’m journaling.  Doing affirmations.  It’s like George in that Seinfeld episode when he did everything the opposite of what he’d been doing and he met with success.  So every impulse I have toward wasting time and being lazy I should do the opposite of.  The thing is – I know I’m a bestselling author.  I know I’ll be successful commercially very soon.  God would not have given me this gift if he didn’t expect me to use it to write what I write and to further glorify Him in the process.  God is always there.  He’s a part of everything I do.  God lead me in all that I do.  Thank you for everything you’ve given me and for all that you plan to give me in the future.  Help me to use every gift to further glorify you.  Show me where I lack.  (My tongue?)

My Vein, My Blood – 17

6-10-06:

It’s a bit frustrating when I can’t figure out the daily crossword.  Today I made mistakes early on.  That always messes me up.  I am encouraged that another agent asked to see a partial of Kaylee.  I need to make a list of who I should thank.  S, T, K, J for sure.  RB.  If I had an agent who hadn’t done anything for me after a year I wonder if I’d be looking for another agent?  Well, but how long has M had RB and she hasn’t sold her.  Is that R’s failure?  Even K’s agent didn’t sell her first book.  An agent is no guarantee of a sale.  I have to remember that.  K must have been discouraged when A wouldn’t even send her second book out.  It’s raining here.  Pouring.  Windy.  I might have to go somewhere to get some exercise.  Walk the mall or something.  I could do an exercise tape.  I ate 2 croissants.  Oh, but so good.  Maybe I’ll check out the kickboxing tape.  I need a pedicure.  And a massage.  And I need to go get my eyebrows done.  I still want the Lancome gift w/purchase!!  I don’t know why.  I just do.  It’s silly.  I can’t wait for my external zip drive to arrive.  Although I guess I should try to use the $75 jump drive I already have.  I could try jumping Melissa off the zip drive to the jump drive, download it onto my laptop and save it on a CD.  I am so lucky that B makes all this computer equipment affordable.

6-18-06:

I am really tired of “the experts” telling the rest of us what a good marriage looks like.  Or maybe I’m just disgruntled that mine doesn’t fit the profile.

6-22-06:

YouWriteOn.com

RejectionCollection.com

SuccessStories thread

Writersdigest.com/mbbs/forum

7-12-06:

I must be really confused about what I need. Reading Ninclink is interesting, yet depressing.  It always makes me think I don’t know enough about the market—which I’m sure I don’t.  But I don’t want to know.  Either I’ll get an agent or I won’t.  Either I’ll sell my work or I won’t.  Should I start my own publishing company?  I don’t have the know-how to do that, though.  Okay, what about E-publishing?  At least that’s becoming more mainstream.  Or do I just keep plodding along waiting for my big break?  All I want to do is write fiction.  I’ll look for an agent but I don’t have the energy to market.  And maybe that’s my problem.  And now I’ve isolated myself from other writers.  I can’t decide if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. It shouldn’t take J this long to get back to me, should it?  We’re coming up on 2 months.  I’m so annoyed with all of it at the moment.  Grrr!  And my house is dirty.  I haven’t eaten.  I haven’t showered.  The pool guy came and I had to clean the filter.  And put chemicals in the pool.  Time just flies away from me.  Where are my priorities?

7-13-06:

I bought a can of frosting and chocolate chips today.  I don’t want to eat it right now.  But I’m comforted just knowing it’s there if I do get an uncontrollable craving!  How sick is that?  I am bummed that B’s going to back to work.  But I guess it makes sense.  J may never sell that bank.  I have to go de-flea the dog.  She’s biting herself and driving me crazy.

9-22-06:

I am so tired.  I feel like I’m trapped in the computer room because S is here cleaning.  Stupid.  I am tired of rude people.  I’m tired of being abused and rejected.  I’m tired of P’s behavior and attitude.  I’m tired of working with her and she steps out of deployment and steps all over everyone else.  It’s so aggravating.  I’m tired of Starbucks pay scale where now everyone there at least 6 months makes nearly as much as I do after 3 years.  God, what am I doing wrong?  I would really like to know.  Am I not praying enough?  Am I not on the right path?  Am I praying for the wrong thing?  What?  What is it?  Am I not meant to write what I write?  Then why is that what’s in my head?  Where do these stories come from?  What else should I be writing?  How much more should I be disrespected?  If I write more for ______ that’s what will happen.  I’m so exhausted.  Something has to change.  Soon.

My Vein, My Blood – 16

5-29-06:

I will do just about anything to avoid journaling.  I think it’s a time stealer.  But I waste so much time on so many other things why not this.  If it gives me any insight or creative stimulous that’s certainly a plus.  Besides, it’s raining and the cable is out.  HAHA.  God saved me printing out my ms. today.  That file I lost HE reminded me was on my back up disc.  So those mss are ready to mail and I hope he blesses them on their way.  I am sure tired of sitting in front of that computer.  I wonder if W is opening tomorrow.  I hardly ever get to open with her.  It’s like a non-stop running gag when we’re both there.  I enjoy A, too.  She’s pretty easy to get along with and she laughs a lot.  Let’s analyze everyone.  N is sweet but she seems to have a lot of family issues that affect her.  T is a good guy and he has a lot of enthusiasm and a good heart.  K is sort of quiet and serious, but she’s a hard worker and likes to do things well.  P talks too much.  Period.  Why does she think people are interested in her life?  They’re not.  I guess she has no one to talk to otherwise.  So she blabs a lot at work.  B-O-R-I-N-G.  D is sweet but oh so sensitive.  I don’t interact much with her.  My sarcastic comments hurt her feelings and she doesn’t get me at all.  So it’s best to keep quiet around her.  C. I hardly ever see.  His head is not on his work when he’s at Starbucks.  He’s a horrible closer.  T is something else.  So funny, smart and sweet.  Well-traveled.  Loves to have a good time.  She’s respectful and responsible.  A good shift.  J doesn’t get me either.  She’s moody.  I don’t interact much with her.  She’s really fast on the bar, thought.  T is sweet and a hard worker.  I like her.  T—not crazy about her.  Not sure why.  There’s a limit to how much you can tease her.  She talks too much when she should be working.  A is just so odd.  She’s sweet-natured but she’s so slow.  She frustrates me.  Have I left out anyone?  W reminds me of someone else I used to know.  Someone who had no boundaries.  Who spouted every thought that came into their head.  But I can’t think who it was.  Someone who worked at Starbucks?  I think it stopped raining.  Should I cancel on S, I wonder?  I am so tired of her always changing plans on me.  Is she really that busy and popular?  Maybe she is.  She never seems to be at home.  I don’t know why I enjoy her company.  Maybe I’m just a sucker.

Sun. 6-4-06?:

I’m up early but not early enough to make journaling the first thing I do.  Made a cup of tea.  B had TV on.  I checked e-mail only for S e-mail.  Update on B. Messages are there for all of us from God.  Sometimes we just need some help tuning in the station.  I should probably talk to T about writing the DM about a pay increase.  Maybe I should address it to him and cc it to the DM.  I think I’ll take the dogs for a bike ride before work.  I wonder why J’s web site was so hard to find.  Could it have been any more obscure?  Maybe since I have 3 days off in a row after today I’ll devote one of them to sending out more queries just so I don’t lose my momentum.  There’s a cardinal in the tree out there.  I wonder if I have another table cloth to put on this table.  B spilled coffee all over this one.  Not that it wasn’t stained already.  It’s quite peaceful out here.  I hear birds chirping and traffic noise.  The distant hum of the A/C.  Squirrels chattering.  B said Maggie killed a squirrel yesterday.  I really feel like taking dogs for a bike ride.  I know why I sort of resist journaling.  It’s inactive SITTING and it feels as if there’s no real result from it.  Whether it may be helping me or not.  Who can tell.  I am so lucky.  I wish I could have got mascara and the Lancome free gift.

My Vein, My Blood – 15

2-26-05:

I have this fuzzy story idea.  Oh, yes, another one!  It’s about 2 brothers.  But one has just died(?)  The other one has just come home from 8 years in the army, to find brother’s widow in the family home!  A farm?  Story is relationship between these two.  Or maybe Bro. #1 came home before Bro. #2 died.  There’s a secret Bro. #1 knows about Bro. #2 that wife didn’t/doesn’t know.  Bro. # 1 doesn’t want her to find out and destroy her illusions of Bro. #2.  He wants to protect her.  Misuse of land?  Letting someone run a meth lab on his property and taking cut of profits?  Farm going to hell cuz he’s too lazy or inept to run it?  Bro. #1 finds out about meth lab, tells people running it to get off his property.  They want same deal w/him they had w/Bro. #2, but he says no and threatens to go to sheriff.  They beat him up maybe?  Or run him off road.  Why does he want to protect her?  She’s pregnant or recently miscarried?  Grief stricken?  Doesn’t want to kick her when she’s down.  Maybe that’s why he’s sitting by her bed.  Well, the scene in my head is she miscarries after and he sort of witnesses it/helps her through it, much to her dismay—maybe its his fault she couldn’t get to dr.  And maybe there’s a reason he can’t get criminals off his land.  Something to do w/her?  How could this hurt her?  Conflict between them?  Small town.  Family feud?  Her older sister jilted him.  Used him.  Ran off w/his best friend?  And he assumes she’s just like her and was using his brother in some way.  But she’s nothing like her sister—or maybe half-sister.  But he doesn’t know that.  She could look like a femme fatale, but she’s really shy and sweet, brainy and deep.  Writes poetry.  Likes to cook.  All the assumptions he’s made about her are wrong.  But he doesn’t want to be attracted to her.  Can there be something about her marriage she doesn’t want him to know about his brother?  He cheated on her or had an addiction problem.  She doesn’t want to destroy his illusions of his little brother.  His life is threatened.  If farm doesn’t succeed they/he will lose it.  Guy who’s running meth lab/threatens

5-7?-06: Sun.

I am tired of being the go-to person to plan meals and get them on the table all the time.  I hate it.  But when I don’t do it I feel guilty.  Why?  These are adults perfectly capable of fending for themselves.  Why is it always my problem to feed them?

5-21-06:

First of all, thank you Jesus that somebody wants to see my mss.  I mean how long have I been jokingly/seriously saying I couldn’t understand why no on else could see my brilliance?  Even if MJ is a no-go, at least there’s a glimmer of hope.  I should look for the Indianapolis RWA chapter and contact someone there.  They must know her.  Probably putting the cart ahead of the horse.  And also call RWA and see if she has any complaints against here.  Thank you also Jesus for such a great job and 3 days off!  Yay.  Sorry to see T go but I trust you’ll put someone else great in our store.  Please watch over and guide D.  Give her some faith.  She seems a bit lost.  Thank you for M’s faith, though.  Watch over him and guide him.  And while you’re handing out faith, send some B’s way.  In my book it said to write down what you hear during the day.  Well, right now, the hum of the fridge, the scratch of the pen, B’s footsteps and sigh, the garbage bin opening, the TV.  At work it’s the beeping of the timers.  The beep of the safe.  The hissing of the steam wand and the grinding whirr of the blenders.  The grrr of the coffee grinder.  The fssst of whip cream when it’s almost empty.  Voices, laughter, music.  Water running.  Ice hitting the bin or a cup.  The splat of syrup in a cup or a blender.  The baby beep of the money counter scale.  Cell phones ringing.  The clink of change, the crisp unraveling of paper money.  Outside…the barking of dogs, the chatter of squirrels and birds singing.  Traffic, tires, wind rush of a vehicle, sirens.  I can’t believe I poured hot water on my hand and I burned my feet last night in a hot tub.  My mind’s like sieve.

5-28-06:

Dear God, what if?  I could get some money for a book and use it to help K!

My Vein, My Blood -14

2-5-06:

I have about an hour before I have to go to work.  So much for my quiet morning with my blueberry oatmeal!  The peace and tranquility were just shattered by a wail from D.  Fleuree peed in her bed and diarrheaed on her floor.  So D says she’s gotten no sleep because the dog was up all night.  Evidently it’s got a bug of some sort.  I woke up grateful.  That ordering of “my” noodles by Publix just blows me away.  Yesterday was good day.  Took a long walk with D.  Gotta go shower.

2-6-06

I am feeling quite blessed today.  D seems to have got a job after a pretty brief interview.  I hope that works out.  B is being exceptionally cooperative and easygoing even overcoming his skepticism about mangosteen to drink it on his own without me pouring it out and setting it in front of him.  Gosh I was tired today.  The thing about Publix ordering those noodles still just blows me away.  We walked the dogs and it was just beautiful out.  The sky so blue and clear.  The green-topped pine trees set against them.  I didn’t go to Publix today because B said we could eat something we had here.  We don’t have much!  We each had a jumbo deli hot dog.  He had a baked potato.  We both ate chips.  I ate a whole thing of Stouffer’s Macaroni & Cheese.  Oink.  Oink.  I’m so excited to see C and D and S next weekend.  Three of my favorite people.  I need to get flea stuff for Fleuree and take movies back.  I got $43 in tips today.  I’ll have to go get mine from 5^th Ave.  Sometime this week.  I was going to start doing my big-print crosswords I got from Dad for Christmas but I’ll still have to use my glasses to look things up in the dictionary.  It was so cold in the house when I got home from work.  62 degrees.  It was warmer outside.  Last I looked it was 67 in here.  Supposed to be 53 tonight.  75 tomorrow.  I wish I could get rid of F’s fleas.  Maybe I’ll put salt in her kennel.  Maybe I’ll take a bath tonight.  I need to redo my toenails.  The polish from the pedicure lasted a long time I must say.  Wonder if it’s the base coat they use?  I should see if Sally carries it.  I wasted a lot of time today but I also wrote.  I don’t know if what I wrote is any good but the basic idea is on the page and I can fix it later.  Pacing might be a problem, however.  I know this isn’t quite 3 pages, but I’m done for now. 

2-7-06:

I have nothing to say!  How am I to fill three pages?  M ran out of gas on his way back from EMT school today.  His first day—orientation.  He was on Alligator Alley.  I hope AAA got there before too long.  I was awfully tired after work today.  I took a late nap.  Didn’t get up until 6 p.m. which probably means I won’t be able to go to bed very early tonight and I have to open tomorrow.  Got another rejection letter today.  Need to send out queries to editors also.  I vowed to do that after the first of the year but of course I went back to working on Annie and didn’t query any more on the Kaylee book.  I am not really looking forward to the drive to Orlando.  C will be leaving soon which means I’ll have less time to study him.  I saw pictures of P’s coffee shop in Ft. Myers.  It looks pretty cool although I can’t imagine roasting beans on the premises.  I wonder how they do that?  I should know that I guess.  I really don’t care.  There’s only so much information I can retain.  I’m glad that T figured out I’ve no interest in being a shift supervisor and he didn’t bring it up in my review.  Not like I’ve made any secret of it.  When can I go get my tips at 5^th?  Maybe Thursday morning?  I don’t have to go to work until 1.  I probably shouldn’t try to do my pages when I’m watching TV.  Okay, I’ll mute Jeopardy and see how much I can get done on the commercials and intros.  There’s L in Shell Point commercial.  I need to get my act together and check on the weather in Orlando for the weekend so I can decide what to wear.  I wonder if the salt worked on the fleas?  It doesn’t seem like Fleuree is quite so itchy and bitey.  I still need to get her flea stuff to put on her. Maybe I’ll remember tomorrow.  Ok.  Close enough to 3 pages.  I’m done.