It’s Not Me It’s You

I used to have a friend named Annie (not her real name) who, after we had made plans, would inevitably change them. She’d change the time, the meeting place or the date, or she’d postpone. I was friends with her for over twenty years. It got to be a joke in our family to guess which item she’d call to change. If she showed up as scheduled, we’d all be shocked.

Annie always supposedly had a good reason for doing this. I eventually understood that this was who she was and I could either tolerate it or give up on her. I genuinely enjoyed her company so I accepted it. At least she called. She didn’t just not show up and leave me hanging.

These days? I am not so fortunate. This week I set a new record. I was stood up twice. Once by a friend/business associate and later by a former coworker/friend. This seems to happen to me a lot. I make plans…or I think I’m making plans with someone. Quite often I allow them to choose the time, place and date. I show up. They do not. They ignore my texts and phone calls. My policy now is I give them fifteen minutes and I’m out of there.

I began to wonder why this pattern keeps repeating. Do I attract unreliable and indifferent people? My daughter says no and recounts the number of her “friends” who are always so busy and just don’t know when they can get together. The phone calls and texts that go unanswered. The plans that get cancelled.

Maybe it’s a control issue. Or an overly exaggerated sense of self-importance. Let’s face it. We all have 24 hours in a day. We all work. We all have families and other obligations. But as my daughter says, “Sometimes I work a ten-hour day but if I really want to get together with my friends afterward, I’ll make the time and find the energy.”

These days almost all communication is by cell phone. Even at my advanced age, my cell phone is always in my general vicinity. Do I ever forget things? Yes. I forgot one of my dear friend’s birthdays a few weeks ago and I forgot to send a post in for a guest blog that should have appeared this week. I know I sometimes forget. I write appointments and commitments down (as in both of those cases). I enter them on my computer’s calendar. And yes, sometimes things still fall through the cracks. But I try to learn from my mistakes and forgetfulness. Maybe I need to write two notes to myself instead of one.

But these other individuals? I can’t explain their behavior. I don’t understand it. Especially when it’s their idea to get together with me. I didn’t instigate it so why am I the one sitting there wondering why they didn’t show up? Wondering why they can’t respond to a text or a phone call.

Maybe they like thinking that they’re oh so busy or their lives are so chaotic that meeting with me got pushed to the side, crowded out by so many more important things and people. Once people show you who they are, don’t make them show you again. I need to remember that the next time one of them says, “Hey, let’s get together.” Because my answer will be, “Unless you want to show up at my house at a certain date and time, forget it. I’m not meeting with you anywhere else.” And if they question me, I’ll simply say what I know to be true. “It isn’t me. It’s you.”

As you may have noticed, sometimes my blog isn’t about Reading, Writing or Romancing. It’s about the little things in life that bug me!  I am lucky in that I do have a couple of close friends who never bail on me. If they say they’ll be somewhere, they always show up. I hope you are as lucky. Thanks for reading.

NOBODY’S FOOL – Sneek Peak + Contest

The following is excerpted from NOBODY’S FOOL, a romantic comedy published by Samhain Publishing.  Release date 1/6/15.  Comment on this blog and you are entered to win a Barbara Meyers book of your choice.  http://www.barbarameyers.com

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She couldn’t stand it any longer. She wanted more. Right now. Her knee slid off the sofa cushion and she felt herself falling, sliding to the floor. Court came with her. Her elbow connected with the coffee table. “Ow!” Her hushed exclamation echoed through the house. It might as well have been a gunshot.

Court’s bigger body did even more damage, edging the table aside, knocking over one of her mother’s precious figurines. It landed on its side with a clatter.

Court and Jolie froze, looking at each other with horrified expressions neither could clearly see before trying to scramble up.

Their limbs had become as hopelessly tangled as their clothing.

A door opened and a light came on in the hall at the top of the stairs.

“Jolie?”

“Yes, Mom.” With the light spilling down from the stairway she could now see Court. His hair was wildly mussed and there was an amused yet apprehensive expression on his face.

“What’s going on down there?”

“N-nothing,” she said, her eyes still on Court. “Court and I were just, um, talking.”

“In the dark?” Her mother sounded suspicious. The unmistakable creak of a stair followed.

Jolie frantically gestured to Court. He yanked his sweater back into place. With fumbling fingers she began to button her blouse.

“You don’t need to come down, Mom,” Jolie said, trying not to sound as frantic as she felt. “Court was just leaving.”

“Sorry to have disturbed you, Mrs. Kramer. I’ll be going now.”

The creak of the stairs stopped. “All right then, you two. Good night.”

“Good night, Mrs. Kramer.”

“Good night, Mom.”

As soon as they heard the door close upstairs they both burst into quiet laughter.

“My mother catching me making out with a boy on the living room sofa. That hasn’t happened since high school.”

“It’s never happened to me,” Court said. That killed the laughter, reminding them both of things they’d rather forget. “I should go.”

He started for the door and Jolie followed. Again she had that deflated balloon feeling. Flying high one minute, crashing to the ground the next.

“Court?” she said before he stepped through the door. He turned back to her. “I had a nice time.” It seemed so inadequate, but she didn’t know what else to say.

He reached out and brushed a wayward strand of hair back over her shoulder. “Me too.” Her mother had left the light on upstairs. Jolie thought she saw something in Court’s eyes that hadn’t been there before. Longing? Regret? Sadness?

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said.

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When We Were Friends

Maybe it was twenty-five years ago. Maybe it was only one. Or two. We were friends, weren’t we? Our children grew up together. We lived next door to each other. Or maybe you were in my wedding. Did you throw a baby shower for me? Where are you now?
Did we work together? Maybe it was the same club. Or exercise class. Or rehab.
We bonded, didn’t we? I thought we clicked. I thought you cared. I guess I was wrong.
Didn’t we giggle together? Mock the same things? Rewrite the endings to movies? Sing off-tune to the songs on the radio in the car?
What about those holidays when you were alone. Or I was. So we spent them together.
We have matching tattoos. But now I don’t remember why. Do you?
We were friends for a long time. Or it seemed like a long time. Weren’t you my soulmate? Didn’t you tell me once, “You’re the best friend I ever had” or “Our friendship is important to me”? I think now that was a lie. Because I haven’t heard from you in a very long time.
I think you’ve forgotten me. I think you don’t care. Even if you say you miss me, I wonder how is that possible? Because if you missed me you wouldn’t ignore me. Would you?
In my heart I didn’t go anywhere. You did.
Sometimes I think about you. In a random way. There’s a little ache in my heart. Right next to the soft spot I once had for you. Which isn’t so soft any more.
Are you dead? Are you happy? How’s your family? The kids? The boyfriend? The new husband? I’d like to know. But you don’t want me to. You don’t care that I’m still interested. I still care. You made me take my caring somewhere else. You don’t need me to care about you any more. I don’t know why I still do. I’d like to forget you, too. But I can’t. I won’t. I will always wonder. Why isn’t there room in our lives for each other any more?
Can you really count the number of true friends on the fingers of one hand?
I will always hope you’re happy, that your life is better without me in it. Without you mine isn’t.
But I’ve got a finger free.

 

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MISCONCEIVE available on Amazon

Her husband’s in a coma.  He’s not the baby’s father…

 

 

I’ll Call You

“I’ll call you” is what “friends” might say right before you never hear from them again. What you may expect is that said friend will call you later the same day, or once they’re free from whatever kept them from talking to you. But “I’ll call you” is open-ended. There’s no pressure. No deadline. No meaning. It could mean I’ll call you back as soon as I leave the doctor’s office, or I’ll call you in ten years. It means nothing. So why do we say it?

We say “I’ll call you” because we don’t want to talk to someone right at that moment because it’s inconvenient or we are simply not in the mood for a conversation with that particular individual. So we offer to call back at a later unspecified time to escape. It might also be the politically correct way of saying, “I don’t care if I to talk to you…ever again.”

Back in the old days, “I’ll call you” meant a call could be expected within a reasonable time frame, say twenty-four hours. But today it means that call could occur any time from ten minutes later to never.

I can’t say I’ve never told a friend “I’ll call you” and then didn’t. But these days I try not to because I know how much it bugs me. Even if I have to write myself a reminder note to return a call at a specific time, I will make that call. I cherish those who say “I’ll call you” and do.

My question for my “I’ll call you” friends is, if you can’t talk to me, why not send my call directly to voice mail? You know I’ve called. Maybe I’ll leave a message. Either way you can avoid fibbing to me by saying “I’ll call you.” Like you I have the benefit/detriment of a cell phone. I can tell if someone called me (back) and when. Or if they didn’t.

I wish my “friends” would stop saying “I’ll call you.” I actually still expect them to follow through in a timely manner. As you can imagine, I am often disappointed.

THE FIRST TIME AGAIN, Book Three in The Braddock Brotherhood series from Samhain Publishing eBook release May 7, 2013. ISBN # 978-1-61921-532-0

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My Oldest Friend

“Write about your oldest friend.”
I am interpreting this to mean someone with whom you’ve had a friendship of long duration, not someone you’re friends with who is a senior citizen or close to it.
My oldest friend is Cathy. We met in secretarial school and soon discovered we lived down the street from each other so we started car pooling.
My initial impression of Cathy was, she was well put together and nicely dressed. We were learning speedwriting in order to take dictation and as a left-hander, Cathy had to turn her notebook upside down so the wire binding wouldn’t be in her way.
On our brief break during morning classes, Cathy, this other girl Charlotte and I would drive to the nearby McDonald’s for Cokes and fries. Cathy would pull out a box of fancy French cigarettes. She liked them because they had a gold band around the filter. She had to go to a special tobacco shop downtown to buy them.
Cathy had a plan. She was attending secretarial school so she could work as a secretary while she attended college. Soon she found a part-time secretarial position. On paydays, she’d have an assortment of envelopes earmarked for various purchases. She’d divide her cash up into each of them. She drove a little yellow car her father who was a doctor had bought her. She was still dating her high school boyfriend, but they eventually broke up.
I remember the first time I went over to her house and saw her bedroom. She had a can of Dr. Pepper open on her desk along with a big bag of Cheetos. Cathy was pretty slender, but right then and there I thought, “I can be friends with this girl. She eats junk food.” She had a bulletin board crammed with mementos. Cards and ribbons and ticket stubs. All kinds of stuff.
I’d had a relationship that ended badly and I moved away from the area for awhile, but Cathy called me on Christmas. I think that’s when I knew she was going to be one of those forever friends. We hadn’t known each other for very long, but the fact that she missed me or thought of me enough to call me on Christmas meant a lot. When I moved back we started hanging out all the time.
We’d haunt the cosmetic aisle at the nearby Albertsons and practice applying individual fake eyelashes on each other. We were regulars at a local pub that sold cheap pitchers of Sangria.
Our lives took different paths. She did go to college and got her degree. We followed each other through our various romantic relationships and we were in each other’s weddings. In fact, she was the only person I asked to stand up with me at my wedding.
For years Cathy collected Hummels. I never did understand their appeal. She went on to make a career in the world of scrapbooking which was perfect for her since she was doing it long before it became big business.
Cathy was always a champion multi-tasker, but she honed her skills even further homeschooling five daughters. She may still be struggling with her addictions to M & M’s and Pepsi.
We haven’t lived in close proximity to each other for years, but we manage to see each other at least a couple of times a year. In between, there are long telephone calls, occasional texts and Facebook. We used to randomly send funny cards to each other for no reason at all.
Together, we’ve pondered the reason we became such good friends. I’m not sure we ever know why we click with one person and not with others. I can say now, with so much history between us, that Cathy is one of those people who simply gets me. We often think alike and have the same reaction to things. We are always there for each other, even if it’s just a phone call to vent to someone who will understand when we’re upset. There is something to be said for having at least one person in your life to whom you can say anything.
Years ago we talked of taking a trip to Paris together. Then 9/11 happened and we put it off. After that there were other reasons we didn’t go, kids and college expenses and scheduling conflicts. Instead of funny cards we started randomly sending each other small Paris-themed items just for fun. We both have quite a collection now. My passport is about to expire and has no stamps in it. Sigh.
I suggested perhaps a trip to Paris, Tennessee might be doable, but Cathy has yet to respond to that idea.

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#postaweek2011

Defining Friendship

How do you define the word friend? 

Oh, I want to look this up in the dictionary, so bad, just to see what it defines as a friend.   Probably says something like “a companion” or someone unrelated to you whom you enjoy spending time with or have something in common with.  But the question is, “How do YOU define the word friend?”  Meaning me.  Screw it.  I’m looking it up.  It says, “1)  One who is personally well known by oneself and for whom one has warm regard or affection; intimate.  2)  One with whom one is on speaking terms; an associate or acquaintance…”

To me, those would almost be opposite meanings not the same.  Business associates or co-workers are not necessarily people I’d consider friends and I wouldn’t necessarily want to associate with them outside of work.  I’m on “speaking terms” with many people, but I wouldn’t consider them friends. 

The dictionary goes on to say, “one has regard or affection for a friend, and the word is frequently used for of very deep or close associations.  One’s feelings for an acquaintance are less warm than for a friend and have more of courtesy than of affection.”

Funny, now that I think about it, how former friends often turn into acquaintances, sometimes rather quickly.

My father always told me at any point in your life you’ll be able to count your true friends on the fingers of one hand.  And, he added, you probably won’t need all the fingers.  I know I never have.

Surprisingly, even the people you once thought of as true friends might fade out of your life for no apparent reason.  They might make the switch from friend to acquaintance.

I asked my dad once many years ago how many friends he had and he said he didn’t know because he’d never tested them.

Aha.  Maybe that’s the key.  How many of your friends have you tested and how many have passed the test?

I have a limited few very close friends, one in particular I have a history with that goes back thirty plus years.  She has stood the test of time, if that was even a test.

Another 25+ year friendship I’ve watched fade away the past couple of years.  I don’t know why.  Maybe the parameters of the friendship are changing and no one told me.

There are people I don’t see or hear from very often, but I’d still consider them friends.  I enjoy their company, however infrequent it may be.  Some of those, too, I have a long history with as well, in fact for most of my adult life.

I think my parameters for friendship are these:

1) You have to “get” me.  What I’m about, my sense of humor, what’s important to me.  I’d prefer you to find me wonderful and fascinating, but it isn’t required.

2)  You have to reciprocate.  If you can’t return a phone call or commit to plans, forget it.  I’m not going to do all the work.  I won’t beg you to be my friend or to continue to be my friend. 

3)  You might be related to me and I might consider you one of my best friends.

4)  You don’t have to live near me.  I don’t have to see you on a regular basis.  Maybe I see you only rarely.  That doesn’t mean we aren’t or can’t be friends.

5)  I have to enjoy your company.  Emotional vampires, whiners, complainers and negative people should look elsewhere for companionship.

What are three things you can do to be a better friend to the people in your life?

1)      Be more thoughtful.

2)      Be more supportive.

3)      Be more available.

This is from WordPress’s Blog-A-Week topics pool.

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Girlfriends Wanted

Girlfriends Wanted:

Apply in person.  Must be flexible, intelligent, good sense of humor; availablity for spur- of-the-moment, low-cost activities, preferred.  High maintenance, needy or whiny individuals need not apply.    Experience preferred, but will train qualified candidates.  Opportunity for advancement to BFF available but limited.  Benefits include mutual exchange of world views, conversation, laughter, shoulder to lean on when needed.  Reciprocity expected.

My advertisement for a friend would go something like that.  I often say I have no friends.  Technically this isn’t true, and I usually amend the statement.  I have a few dear friends.  But most of them live hours and miles away.  Others live minutes away but I rarely see or hear from them.

What I don’t have are friends, not even one, I can call on the spur of the moment to walk the beach or haunt the mall for a few hours.  Or sit and have coffee or a glass of wine.  Let me amend that further.  I might have a friend or two who might be able to do any of those things occasionally, but they are not the kind of friends I want to do those things with.  That’s what I’m missing in my life and it’s my own fault.

My father always told me that at any point in your life you’d be able to count the number of true friends you had on the fingers of one hand and that you probably wouldn’t need all the fingers.  So true.

Another friend reminds me that when she first met me I informed her I wasn’t looking for more friends.  I don’t remember saying this exactly, but I wonder now who did I think I was to turn down a potential friendship before it even began?

Six or seven years ago I recall my coffee table covered with birthday cards from friends.  Now I’m lucky to get one or two each year.  My phone doesn’t ring.  My e-mail box is often devoid of personal e-mails.  Comments on my Facebook posts?  Virtually non-existent.

I have no one to blame but myself if I sit on a Sunday afternoon and wish I had someone I could call who’d want to spend time with me.  I’m not even lonely.  Truth is, I often prefer to be by myself.  But sometimes I don’t.  That’s when I need a girlfriend I can call up who’s available.  Maybe I’ll start a girlfriend service for people like me.  I’ll be your friend, but only when I feel like it.  (Or when I get paid by the hour.)

Friends have drifted in and out of my life.  I’ve welcomed them and I’ve let them go.  Some of them I purposely evicted for one reason or another.  I’ve learned not to get too attached or over-estimate my own sense of importance in their lives.  With most of them, I maintain an emotional distance, and I’m sure they sense that.  I can’t seem to help it.  Childhood abandonment issues apparently still linger.

I’m not alone in this.  One of my BFF’s lamented exactly the same problem.  If only we lived closer.  We’d hang out all the time.

They say to have a friend you’ve got to be a friend.  That’s my downfall.  I want friends, but only on my terms and only on my schedule.  Don’t expect too much from me, because I don’t have it to give.  Just be there when I need you and go away the rest of the time.

Any takers?